now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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