Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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