I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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