I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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