I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
