I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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