Rock
Scissors
Fuck
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
