He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
and you fell through a lawn chair
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
