Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
