it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just got carded by a ten year old.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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