he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
