ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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