I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
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