I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
