Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
