Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
