Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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