A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
