I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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