i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
