Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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