I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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