Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
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