Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
