the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
This baby is an asshole
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
