Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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