I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
