her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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