Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
