life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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