I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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