the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
being pregnant is like rehab
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
NoShamevember. You game?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
