My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
