I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
