he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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