This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
