Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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