I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
