Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
