Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
