I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Randomize
