I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
