I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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