Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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