Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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