Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
