Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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