I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
