please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
