I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
