I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
