just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
