the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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